​His student asked his permission to treat his cataract. “You taught us,” he pleaded hoping that the great 10th  century physician would accept. But Rhazes denied, “I’ve seen enough of this world,“ he replied. Weeks later, Rhazes (Abu Bakr al-Razi) , the greatest physician of his time, passed away in his bed… Blind… and broke.
 
Could blindness be a choice? Blindness to the cruelty the world and suffering of the soul…
Blindness is not a mere loss of eyesight. Many of us unconsciously live blind... looking yet not seeing… And, others choose to deliberately live blind. Their world is too harsh to endure otherwise. Our heroine is one of them. For years, she chose to live blind. She turned off the light, put down the blinds, and closed her eyes. She lived in her tiny cocoon isolated from the world. She felt safer this way… warmer in a cold-hearted world… richer in a poor-spirited community… peaceful in a violent surrounding… But, soon the darkness seeped into her soul… eroded her body and sucked the life out of her… She was dead inside. Every morning, she drew the most beautiful smile on her face and went on with her daily duties…
 
Joseph Campbell, in his Hero’s Journey, would call this phase the Innermost Cave… Christian mystics call it the dark night of the soul… and the Sufis call it contraction… Yet, in all those traditions, this phase is not the end of the journey. It is just the beginning. It is “God’s silence and our own – working as an entryway into an unmediated experience of the Divine.” It is this “wondrous night that beckons us all into a fuller, more intimate experience of the Divine. So much that sustains our lives and souls can only happen in the dark of night.”[1]
Campbell’s hero’s transformation only take place after the hero acknowledges his vulnerability taking all the time he needs in his Innermost Cave. Like herbs releasing their medicine only after percolating for weeks into the dark cold menstruum, our soul finds its elixir into the darkest contraction of our hearts.

​The ancient Yin and Yang symbol holds a light dot in its dark swirl – reminding us of the ever presence of hope in the midst of suffering. It also depicts a dark dot in its light swirl – reminding us to remain humble in times of brightness and growth… “In order that you do not despair over what has eluded you and not over-exult in pride over what God has given you” (Q. 57: 23). ​

​Our suffering requires courage to keep going. It requires patience, flexibility, and trust. Our darkest moments help us slow down, reflect at, and absorb life lessons, challenges, and trials.  It helps us find the perfect rhythm that sets in coherence our inner-self with our outer reality… that synchronizes our heart with the delicate flow of life, with all its ups and downs, joys and sorrows. Yet, to reach this heart coherence, we need to mollify our brain endless chatter… We need the silence of our Innermost Cave in order for us to hear the whispers of our soul… we need to be willing to open our heart to receive the subtle grace that the Divine offers us every step along your way.
 
Yes, blindness is a choice… but our heroine does not have to choose it… We do not have to choose it… We can choose, instead, to shut our eyes and retreat in our Innermost Cave for as long as we need to… We’re not turning blind eyes… We’re closed for restoration!
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[1] Robert H. Hopcke, “Spiritual direction and mystical experience,” in Sharing Sacred Stories.

When I look back at the past two years of my life, I could only see Divine miracles... Although those past two years have been full of tears, pain, fears, worries, and lots of heart and body aches, the fading memories left me with a profound feeling of content and gratitude that fills my heart along with an unshakable sense of trust that keeps me going despite all odds.
Is this what is called resiliency? Or is it faith? Whatever we choose to call it, it remains this sense of deep trust in God and belief that a bigger plan is always in effect and this plan is always carrying within its folds Divine mercy, grace, and love. 

This resiliency is definitely a Divine blessing I am forever grateful for. One of our greatest blessing is being able to feel a genuine gratitude that fills our hearts and feeds our souls regardless of what is going on in our lives. 

Henri Nouwen teaches, "when we are spiritually deaf, we are not aware that anything important is happening in our lives. We keep running away from the present moment and we try to create experiences that make our lives worthwhile. So, we fill up our time to avoid the emptiness we otherwise would feel. When we are truly listening, we come to know that God is speaking to us, pointing the way, showing the direction. We simply need to learn to keep our ears open. Discernment is a life of listening to a deeper sound and marching to a different beat, a life in which we become all ears." To feel the gratitude and to be able to see the miracles in your life (and believe me there are always miracles despite all adversity) you need to cultivate this inner tuning, you need to become "all ears."  It is a skill that takes practice to cultivate... A life-long practice of mindfulness, awareness, and heart purification.

I have learned this skill from the two greatest ladies in my life, my late grandmother - may God bless her soul- and my dearest mother - may God protect her and grant her health and happiness in this life and forever after. I've learned from their actions not their words, from their embodiment of the true meaning of faith, gratitude, and resiliency. And, as we are embarking on a new decade in our life, I pray God to help me be an embodiment of  those sacred meanings as well. 

"O' God, You who has the command over our hearts, make my heart unwaveringly steady on Your path"
​"يا مقلب القلوب، ثبت قلبي على دينك"

The Thunder, Chapter 13 of the Quran, describes how the thunder with its scary roar, in its essence, it glorifies and praises God. Could this be a parallel for our pains and sufferings? The roaring pain that brings within its folds a blessing and a gift from the Divine?
In its essence, suffering, like the roaring thunder, praises and glorifies God. Initially, our pain brings with it fear that might throw us into a chaotic narrative… the chaos of a life-threatening diagnosis or a life-altering illness, the chaos of cancer, depression, autoimmunity, fibromyalgia, or chronic pain… a chaos that forces us to press a pause or even a stop button on our lives…

But, what if we pause and listen? What if we try to decipher the message our body is sending us? If we listen carefully, we will hear our suffering opening the door for spiritual insight, a door that will take us closer to God. We will hear our suffering praising our Lord.

The Thunder chapter (Surat Ar-Ra’d) challenges our belief about the dichotomy of good and evil. To discern the wisdom in our trials, we need to challenge this modern cognitive frame. We need to stop judging evil solely on the basis of it not serving an immediate interest or pleasure. Likewise, healing should not be reduced to curing the illness. Healing means becoming whole again, becoming at peace with oneself, the world, and the Divine. 

Healing entails finding meaning and purpose that is bigger than ourselves and bigger than our suffering. It entails bringing all who we are, body, mind, heart, and soul into a relationship with the Divine. As physical suffering is drawing us towards a bigger life meaning and purpose, to a vocation and a calling, in reality, it is drawing us towards God. To find our calling, we need to know ourselves; and to know ourselves, we need to know God. Such knowledge allows us to understand the interconnectedness of all things around us and within us and the relationship to and ultimate dependence of this amazing web on its One and Only Creator.

Listen to the inspiring story of Ali Banat: Gifted with Cancer, May God bless his soul.

At a point on our journey, we are forced to withdraw into our “innermost cave” where life challenges become just too much for us to bear... when we realize that it is not about power, strength, or fighting… when we finally accept that it is okay to be vulnerable.

In our innermost cave, we learn to be humble, we clearly see our limits as human beings and we acknowledge our limitations.
    
The cave is dark, cold, and scary, like the dungeon prophet Joseph (Yusuf) was thrown into… Yet, it is in this cave that our connection with God gets stronger, it is there where we realize that God is our only solace… it is there where we meet God on the deepest level… we meet Him as servants and slaves meeting their Master… we meet Him in awe and humility… we meet Him as our souls as dying from starvation and thirst… only His presence can feed our souls and only His words can quench our thirst.

Sometimes, all what we need to do is pause and connect… come back to our deepest core … to the place that Marie Schwan describes as “Home.” Home is this beautiful innermost place within us where we are truly ourselves. Home is a place where we are profoundly and genuinely connected to God, speaking to Him in our own words and mindfully listening to His reply.

    Al-Harawy (d. 1089 C.E. /481 A. H.), the eleventh-century Muslim scholar and Sufi mystic, describes human beings as travellers on a life-long journey towards knowing God. This hundred-stage journey starts with the most critical step: Awakening. For him, awakening is achieved through awareness:

• Awareness of the blessings in everyday life,
• Awareness to our misdeeds and pitfalls that might drive us away from God or throw us off track, 
• Awareness of the passage of our time. As we are running on autopilot riding the hamster wheel every morning.

 
Awareness is essential to reach this pure centre inside each and every one of us, this Home, that is still deeply in touch with its Creator… with God who is above time and space, yet who is “closer to [us] than [our] jugular vein,” (Q, 50:16).
    
​In our innermost cave, as we connect with God… as we strip bear our soul… as we become humble and in awe, we learn to surrender… We learn to let go and let God show us the way… the way to Him… the way back “Home” to who we truly are.

Also check staying connected blog
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​Since the dawn of civilization, one fundamental question that has always perplexed human being is “why?” Why is there so much suffering in the world? Illnesses, physical pain, and suffering could be debilitating and crippling. Nevertheless, for some people, they turn out to be the most rewarding experience of their life, a blessing for them and others. 

Trying to just go through life with the illusion that only by willpower we can achieve everything is just that: An illusion… Our rational, logical self-control is like a rider on the back of an elephant. The rider seems to hold the rein and direct the elephant… But, the rider can never force the elephant into a direction it does not want to go into. The elephant is the one running the show… We have always learned that Ramadan fasting is there to strengthen our willpower… it is there to train us to be more in control of our desires… but unfortunately, we got the mechanism all wrong… if we treat our fasting as mere training of self-restriction and self-control… we will be further wearing off our self-control muscle… Ramadan Fasting is not a physical exercise that trains us to withstand our hunger… Neither is it a psychological exercise that teaches us to control our desires, temptations, and urges. Ramadan Fasting is a spiritual practice… We reduced Ramadan to numbers and rituals (and an endless supply of sugars, fats, and carbs). Our heart and soul are not into it… We drugged the elephant so that it takes a nap until we finish the holy month; We dissociated our hearts from the whole process… because our hearts are already very heavy, exhausted and weary... So how can we make the best out Ramadan? How can we tame our elephants?

​Mindfulness is an integral part in my own self-care practices. I learned its value years ago during a family dinner at a friend’s house. As we set in the garden at sunset, I smelled an amazing fragrance enveloping the air. “That’s my Queen of Night,” my friend explained pointing at the alluring tiny white flowers in the corner of her garden. Those enchanting flowers release their special aroma with every sunset. “They seem to send a gratitude message to the Divine at the end of each day”, my friend told me. “They remind me to send mine,” she added.
The following day, I accompanied my daughter to her weekly karate class. I sat in the club’s playground reading a book as I was waiting for her to finish. The sun was setting and with it came this enchanting fragrance again… I looked around me and there it was, the glamorous Queen of Night!
Suddenly, it occurred to me that I have been sitting in this exact spot, at the exact same time every week for the past 4 months. The Queen of Night has always been there, sharing its beauty with whoever was mindful enough to receive it; sharing its Divine gratitude reminder with whoever is aware enough to remember. I simply wasn’t.
Mindfulness is intentional conscious practice. It differs from self-awareness in that it involves both internal and external insight. You are not just aware of your inner feelings and thought; you are also fully aware and engaged with your surroundings. I guess I was too involved in my inner environment that I lost touch with my outer setting. 

My 3 big goals for 2018 are: (1) launching my signature training program "A Brave Woman's Journey of Self-Discovery" hopefully you all going to love it! I have been working on it for a long time now and it is one of the best curricula I have ever developed; (2) establish a woman circle where I live so we can actually meet and create our little community of brave, ambitious, like-minded women who support and help one another and support and help their communities. (3) finish at least 7 more courses of my Master's degree.

Now it is your turn... Take out your journal and make some reflections! 
​Happy New Year!

​Years ago, I read a play called The Fate of a Cockroach by a famous Egyptian writer, Al Hakim. It is the story of a wife who woke up one morning to find a cockroach in her bathtub. The woman panicked and screamed waking up her husband who volunteered to kill the beast. The wife closed the bathroom door and waited outside for her husband to come out victorious. She waited and waited...
 
Starting to worry, she cautiously opened the bathroom door and peeked inside to see her husband sitting in front of the bathtub looking at the little beast in admiration.

• “What the heck are you doing?” Asked the wife in astonishment.
• “Shhh!” replied the man,  “Come and look at this amazing creature. What a tremendous perseverance and patience it has!”

The wife came closer, still very cautiously. She saw the cockroach as it was trying to escape by climbing the slippery walls of the tub and sliding off again and again before even reaching half way out. Still, it kept trying … tens and even hundreds of times non-stop.
The wife, failing to see any meaning in what this ‘stupid’ insect is doing screamed at her husband: “Are you crazy? What are you waiting for? Just kill it!!!”
 
The husband totally ignored her and kept looking at the cockroach in admiration.
Desperate, the wife reached out to her neighbors for help. The couple came quickly and the man head straight to the bathroom to help get rid of the cockroach.
 
Again, time went by with no news. The two women went into the bathroom; they saw their husbands leaning on the bathtub with their eyes wide-open and big smiles on their faces. They were happily following the little insect’s trips up and down the tub wall with tremendous admiration for its perseverance, determination, and forbearance.
Soon, a fight started between the two couples. The men on one side tried to explain the reason for their amazement and the women on the other just asked for the death sentence of this horrible beast. The argument suddenly came to an end when they smelled a strange odor. Running into the bathroom, they saw the maid standing victoriously with an insecticide bottle in her hand and the cockroach lying on its back in defeat.
 
I loved the way each character in the story dealt with the ordeal. They symbolized the three different way of approaching a problem. One person can take some time to admire the meanings and learn useful lessons (the two men in the play); another can just deal with the problem any way he/she can and get it over and done with while failing to perceive any hidden wisdom (the maid in the play). And still, a third can just panic and run around asking for help taking no action and blaming others for his/her failure (the wives in the play).
Setting aside the sexist orientation of the writer, I love the wisdom in his story: Don’t kill the beast… it is here to teach you something!
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One of my favourite books about anxiety and mental illness is Sarah Wilson’s First We Make The Beast Beautiful. Sarah wrote about her life long struggle with anxiety and OCD and how she finally managed to get her life on track by admiring the uniqueness of her own mind and digging into the wisdom of her challenge. Instead of fighting and drugging ‘the beast’, she shifted her efforts into ‘making the beast beautiful’… It is not easy… In fact it is much easier to drug the life out of our beasts… but it is much more rewarding to learn and grow with them.
 
We all have challenges, pains and struggles… we all have ‘beasts’ that keep us awake at night and bring tears to our eyes… they are here for a reason… they are here to teach us something, to help us grow… Don’t kill the beast… you’ll find a way to make it beautiful…